Youkai Therapy
by Raquelsama
Summary: Inuyasha meets his worst nightmare: a psychiatrist. Now he have to face Kikyou and Kagome and decide who he likes best.
1. Session 01

YOUKAI THERAPY  
  
- So, you're Mr. Inuyasha, right? How do you feel?

- ...

- Well, do you know why are you here today?

- Kagome obligated me. She told me I was too insane for a half-youkai...

- I understand. Let's regret until your childhood. Do you remember your parents?

- My dad was a great, big demon, he was about 90ft big! My mom was a common human. I can't remember everything...

-So your dad was a... dog. Does this has any relation with those pointy ears of your?

- Yes! I inherited from him! Any problems? Do you have any problems with "pointy eared doggy boys"?

- Hey, just relax! It's just that it's a little unusual for me to have "son of a dog" patients. I've already had alien's sons, Napoleon's sons, potato wedge's sons... but never a dog's sons!

- Are you trying to say that there's less absurdity on being son of a stupid potato wedge than being son of a dog? Are you trying to say my dad was better being a potato???

- Me? No, never! I was just trying to compare and... anyway, your birth date here in the form you wrote right before is a little confuse. How it comes you have 567 years?

- Oh, well. I was born in the warring era, then got sealed by that stupid little b, after 50 years that Kagome girl released me, and so I traveled trough a bone-eater well 500 years. Any questions?

- A lot! I mean, let's talk about it some other time, I think I heard you say a name before, it was Kagome, wasn't it?

- Yeah, she is a really crazy woman, when I mock her, she tells me to sit...

- Oh, then you two sit and talk about the situation?

- No, she bangs my head on the floor over, and over, and over, she only stops when I faint.

- Dear god! And what does she do after it?

- Well, she throws herself down the well and says "Don't ever try to follow me, BAKA!"

- So, she hits your head on the floor, and throws herself down a well. What do YOU do after?

- I let her there for two or three days, so, If she don't come out by herself, I go there and drag her out! I miss her, you know!

- This is so interesting! Even through I see it's a very sick relationship, you still seem to like her! Is she the same girl you mentioned first? The one who, well... sealed you?

- Noooo! The stupid little b I mentioned before is a woman named Kikyou, but, if you think about, yes, they may be the same person.

- I'm scared to ask but... same person?

- Same face, same scent... same lingerie, and... stuff... damn God, I like those women so much!

- Well, mr. Inuyasha, I must say that have two women the same time is bigamy, it's illegal.

- Well, It's not like she's a woman at all, you know? I mean, she is already dead!

-Oh, in this case, we use the term necrophilia, with is nothing but sick!

- Oh, well, Kagome tells me the exact same thing, but you know, it's kind of a vice. Her soul came back on a dirt body just to see me again... or kill me... anyway, I'm sure you know what I mean!

- No, I don't! And I must say your insanity is due to that girl and that... Kikyou thing. So, next time, bring Kagome and Kikyou for a group therapy.

- But doc!

-Trust me, it'll be good for you!

-No, it won't...


	2. Session 02

Thanks for the comments, people! Glad you like my fic! Now for the next chapter...  
  
Inuyasha, Kikyou and Kagome enter the clinic. Inuyasha sits alone on the big, green sofa, and Kagome and Kikyou on the armchairs, side by side. The session starts.  
  
(doc)- Well, maybe you two doesn't know why you're here, but mr. Inuyasha told me he was having some... coexistence problems involving himself, and you two. So today we will try to solve these little differences between y...  
  
(Kag)- Differences? What do you mean by differences? Me and her are basically the same person, so I just think Inu should treat me as he treat Kikyou!  
  
(Kik)- We aren't the same person! I wear bras that are twelve times your bra size!!!  
  
(Inu)- Really?  
  
(Kag, Kik)- YOU SHUT UP!  
  
(Inu)- Eh?  
  
(Kag)- I should have KILLED you when I had the chance, Kikyou!!!  
  
(kik)- Oooh, I'm so scared! Why don't you show me your purifying arrow then?  
  
(kag)- I will glitter  
  
(kik)- Eeeeek!!!  
  
(Inu)- Where did that bow and arrow came from?  
  
(doc)- Calm down, girls! I know your situation is almost desperate, but violence isn't the solution, I will have to separate you two! Great, now that Inuyasha is in the middle we can...  
  
(Inu)- I smell blood! Kagome blood!  
  
(kag)- Me?blushes  
  
(kik)- Inuyasha, remembers that night I explained you that once a month women becomes weaker and vulnerable?  
  
(kag)- You told him that?  
  
(doc)- Guys, lets solve this later, this is a psychiatrist session, not a talk-show!  
  
(inu)- But wait a minute! I feel the same way once a month too!  
  
(doc)- Mr. Inuyasha, men don't have periods?  
  
(inu)- What's a period?  
  
(kik)- Is that round thing on the end of a sentence, I guess!  
  
(inu)- Oh, now everything make sense! But what's the relation between sentences, my transformation, women weakness and Kagome's blood?  
  
(kag)- Is anyone here talking about the same thing??? I only cut my finger peeling an orange, dammit!!!  
  
(doc)- Now we will start the session...  
  
(kik)- Did I mention that I, as a dead person, don't bleed?  
  
(kag)- So you don't have periods?  
  
(kik)- Nope!  
  
(doc)- EVERYBODY SHUT UP NOW!!!  
  
(all)- .....  
  
(doc)- Thanks, now I will show you some pictures with red stains, and I want you to say what's the first thing that come to your mind. Let's start with this one!  
  
(inu)- It's blood! Destroy! Must kill!!!  
  
(kik)- Blood! Did I mentioned I don't bleed?  
  
(kag)- Blood! Can I buy this painting?  
  
(doc)- Fascinating! I believe that I already diagnosed about eighteen new syndromes since we started the session! Do you want to say anything else, mr Inuyasha?  
  
(inu)- Yes, I do... CAN YOU TWO GET THE HELL OUT OFF MY LAP?  
  
(kik)- Why Inuyasha? Is your blood boiling with me in here?  
  
(kag)- At least he have blood! And so do I! Come on, Inu, tell that bi--- how warm I am!  
  
(inu)- I-I... What the hell??!!! You're so competitive!  
  
(doc)- I agree! And I must say that the solution to Inuyasha's problems is in him to choose one of the two and forget the other, who must forget about him too! Inuyasha, you must choose one of the two girls, and tell me who you will truly love on the next week. See you there! 


	3. Session 03

(dr)- Only five more minutes, and that strange pacient of mine will arrive here... oh my... let me finish my tea and... what is this noise? 

(strange noise)- Drumdrumdrumdrum.... SLAM!!!!!

(inu)- Doctor! You gotta help me!!!!!!!

(dr)- Sure, mr. Inuyasha, that's why you're here, remember?

(inu)- Don't you understand? My brother is here!

(dr)- Couldn't you simply loosen this door and sit down here, in the sofa?

(inu)- BUT HE WANTS TO KILL MEEEEE!!!

(dr)- Why would a brother do that?

(inu)- Well, he was sleeping, and I was bored, so I made hundreds of little braids all over his...

(Another strange noise)- CRABRAAAAM!

(inu)- GAAAAAAAAAH!

(dr)- My door... my beautiful door!!!!

(sess)- Inuyasha, do you have to do some thing with the fact of me, Sesshoumaru, to have wakened up and found hundreds of braids on my beautiful fluffy this morning?

(inu)- Who, me? Wasn't it Jaken?

(sess)- I killed him a dozen times, and he continues denying everything. I'm sure it was you!

(inu)- But you deserved it after trying to steal Tessaiga when I was sleeping!

(dr)- Eh, can I?

(sess)- Who is the ugly human being?

(inu)- It's my psychotherapist.

(sess)- Another psycho? And this time it's a man??? What's your problem, little brother? Were you neglected in the childhood or something?

(inu)- Kagome and Kikyou aren't psycho, for the last time!

(sess)- Sure, one of them sealed you on a tree for 50 years and the other one says "sit" and you play dead. They look perfectly fine to me.

(dr)- Please, gentleman, I'm not a psycho, I'm only a poor man who wants to begin today's session, then go home and sleep.

(sess)- This looks like a therapy...

(dr)- This IS a therapy! I'm a therapist!

(sess)- No, you're a psycho. You said it right before...

(dr)- Damn God!!! SIT!!!

(Sesshoumaru sits on the sofa as fast as he can, Inuyasha plays dead for some reason)

(inu)- Sorry, it was instinctive.

(dr)- Ok, now let's start. Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha said he was your half brother. Were you two born from different fathers?

(sess)- Nope!!! I Sesshoumaru have a much more beautiful and nice mother than him.

(dr)- Do you live with her?

(sess)- No, she died just after I born.

(inu)- So how you can tell she was a nice person?

(sess)- I said she was a nicer person than your mother, because your mother was a...

(inu)- Don't say a thing about my mother!!!!!!!

(dr)- So you have different mothers... what about Tessaiga?

(inu)-It's my most precious thing in the world. When I put it out it grows, grows... gets enormous, if you learn to use it right she loosens some white things! Sesshoumaru wants it for him because his one doesn't make that.

(dr)- Whaaaaat?????

(sess)- It can pour blood of women and little children!

(dr)- What are you talking about?

(inu)- Sesshoumaru, you know you can't, only me and Kagome can touch Tessaiga.

(sess)- My Tenseiga has heart beats! I want to throw it out and give place to Inuyasha's Tessaiga!

(dr)- Throw it out? Are you crazy?

(sess)- Or maybe I'll give it to some blind, poor children and say it's a French bread!

(dr)- You're plain crazy!!! I'll call the police!!!!!

(sess)- Why, doc? They're just swords our dad gave us!

(dr)- Swords? You were talking about stupid swords from the beginning?

(inu)- Sure, what was you thinking of?

(dr)- No-nothing. Let's just talk about some other thing. Sesshoumaru, are you gay?

(sess)- Actually not. But, if you pay me well, I can be...

(dr)- THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEAN!

(inu)- How many times do I have to tell you, Sesshoumaru, people don't like this kind of joke!

(sess)- What do you want for me to say? "No, I'm not gay, but I have a brother who is. I'll give you his address, don't forget the flowers." Now that is a good idea...

(inu)- But, if you're not gay, what about these pics you took with Kagome's camera? Isn't it Naraku here?

(sess)- It's not Naraku, I edited the image on Photoshop so you would still think I'm gay. The one here is Kikyou!

(inu)- YOU DAMN BASTARD!!!

(sess)- Did you really think Naraku had these big breasts?

(dr)- Calm down, you two. I just made a simple question...

(sess)- No, I'm not gay. Are you gay, doc?

(dr)- No, I'm not!

(sess)- You see? Give it up, little brother, two psychos are enough for you!

(inu)- Damn you two!

(dr)- I have no choice, I'll intern you two and that girl on an insane asylum!

(inu)- Please, no!

(sess)- Fucked... and it's all your fault!

(dr)- No, wait... I have a better Idea. Both of you will bring some of your friends here, next session. If at least ONE of them is normal, You're free. If not, all of you will go to the asylum.

(sess)- Ok, then. Let's go, brother...

(dr)- Just a minute. Inuyasha, you go. I have to talk with Sesshoumaru a little more...

(inu)- How sweet! I'm going.

(sess)- And I already told you I'm not gay!!!

(dr)- Shut up! We're only going to talk about your childhood!

(sess)- Ok, ok... I hate you!

(dr)- And I hate my job! Now let's make a hypnotism session. Lay down, relax, follow the clock with your eyes... Now let's go back in past... How old are you, what are you doing?

(sess)- I'm 3 years old, I am making up myself in the bathroom.

(dr)- Good, now, a little after. How old are you, what are you doing?

(sess)- I'm 8 years old, I am making up myself in the bathroom.

(dr)- Ok, fine. A little latter. What about now?

(sess)- I'm 14 years old, I am making up myself in the bathroom.

(dr)- I see... and now?

(five hours latter)

(dr)- Yaaaawn... a little latter, what are you doing now?

(sess)- I'm 346 years old, I am making up myself in the bathroom.

(dr)- And now?

(sess)- I'm 357 years old, I am making up myself in the bathroom, to look for Inuyasha and end locked in a room with a gay psycho who wants to have homosexual relationship with me...

(dr)- THAT'S IT! You go home with that sick brother of yours!!! I'm leaving!!! Whuahahahaha!!!!!!! I want my mamaaaaa!!!!

(sess)- Doctor is beginning to go mad...


End file.
